2009-06-19 - 8:06 p.m.

I realized those who have decided on their future, they are those people who have had the courage and willingness and opportunity to go out and experience to confirm what they want and don't want.

The orientation camp I had during J1 in NYJC first introduced me with the comfort zone and how we should and need to get out of this zone. Seriously speaking from then onwards I didn't take it to heart because I don't think I can do it. It is always because of the thought that stopped me. Not because of any others, not because of any circumstances. It has always been me. If I have had been more determined, if I have gone for it. That's why the chinese saying goes, the biggest enemy is ownself.

Not that I just realized it, but I realize this more and more as I talk to others.

I always think that I was not opened up enough to the outside world. I fear, and back out. Not like others are braver than me, they are just more determined than me, that's how they build up their courage.

But, hey, I am 21years old, and this is me. However change I make, I cannot be of any great difference from this me that I have developed for 21 years. Shit. The thought of meeting people still scares me. Shit. The thought of hearing her still irritates me instead of making me grow. Shit. The thought of being ignorant strikes me. Shit. The thought of me being so bloodily dirty and stupid still disguise me. Shit!

I dislike the way how negative she is, how grumpy she is, how she has given up...but the fault is not all on her. If she doesn't have someone unfilial like me, if she has someone who knows how to entertain her and make her happy, if she did not encounter him and had that experience...I want to change her, change her mindset, change her thoughts, change her tears into smiles...Who doesn't want to? It is the effort I have to put in. Yes, it is not enough. I need more, more...more what? Shit, I don't want to talk about all those "if and only if" that she has and all the predictions she makes. The reality is like this. The fact is like this. Must she carry all the grudges with her all the way to grave, and while she is alive she threatens us with that and crashes us with that? Shit. It is wrong to say this way, and I don't mean this way. But in what other ways I can say?

Is this something to be remembered? Is this something to be reviewed? Is this something that I should learn from? Some things are really gifted, and cannot be learned.

Children are always the most innocent people involved. I've passed the age, yet now it is his turn, and he has to shoulder more. Bring up your MANpower! Be my brother, and be brave. Don't be like your shanjie just because I was more in contact with you in the past, please.

Things just might not be in permanent state. So, enough of that.

Learning Japanese on my own feels a bit weird. I like to follow normal instructions in studies given by teachers. But it is still fun. I practise in my usual way of studying Japanese. わたしはずいぶん日本語を習いたいんですよ！And studying Japanese always makes me remember Connie, and other friends whom I've made.

The books I borrowed, wow, I seriously hope I can read much more faster! I want to read them, I want to know more. Well, I think I am seriously getting more and more lazy, which cannot be tolerated! I need to be more hardwoking! But first, I need to know my major. HAHA. Seriously. Why is this still my problem? Super lagged man! Actually, I sort of kind of feel that I will be taking Social Work. I know I am not good in studying psychology, so this is most probably not my choice. I want to target chinese and take it no matter what, because I feel weird without chinese. But I hope to build up on my interpersonal skills...The problem now is, I feel really scared to make up my mind to major in SW. sigh.

I am going to NUS next week, to return books. And I think I should spend some time there looking around for books to help me make up my mind. It should not be something that is done in a day or two.

Take care.

past - present